


but i don't let him touch me anymore

by whimsicalMedley



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Suicide, Trans Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Character, before the castle is destroyed tho, takes place at around s6 i guess?, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 15:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15173264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalMedley/pseuds/whimsicalMedley
Summary: “You know I love you, right?” Alex whispered, holding Lance tightly. Too tightly.“Yes.” Lance replied, and Alex’s grip tightened.“You’re mine. Do you understand me? No one else will love you like me.”Lance nodded, accepting his fate.Or, Lance relives things he'd rather forget in a paladin exercise.





	but i don't let him touch me anymore

**Author's Note:**

> hi yes before anyone tries to be a jerk: this is a vent fic. everything that happened in this fic happened to me. thanks.
> 
> i had a mild panic attack because of the fireworks (thanks 4th of july) and instead of hurting myself, i projected. i think that's improvement. but yeah, this shit happened to me when i was 14-15, and i needed to get it out.
> 
> anyway.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP  
> SUICIDE  
> REFERENCED RAPE/NON-CON
> 
> be safe guys.
> 
> (SIDE NOTE: i wish i was writing everyone ooc when they talk to lance. but based on s6, i'm not.)

_“How can Midas put his hands on me again?_  
_He said one day I'd realize why I don't have any friends._  
_I find myself alone at night,_  
_Unless I'm havin' sex._ _  
But he can make me golden if I just showed some respect.”_

_-100 Letters by Halsey_

* * *

Lance woke to the sound of Allura’s voice over the loudspeakers.

“Everyone up! We have a new exercise to do!”

A loud groan escaped Lance’s lips. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately, not with Lotor around, and he just prayed that whatever this was, it wasn’t physical. Lance was tired. He was lonely. He just wanted a break.

* * *

This was worse than anything physical.

“Today, paladins, we will be tapping into your psyche. We’ll be projecting your worst memories, and you will have to focus your energy on changing the memory into something happy.” Coran said with a smile, and Lance felt his stomach drop. This was…not ideal.

“What’s Lotor doing here?” Lance whined, earning glares from Allura and Shiro, which…stung a little. Or a lot.

“Lotor is more than welcome to observe.” Allura snapped, and Lance recoiled slightly. Allura didn’t notice.

_Too busy making goo goo eyes at the stupid Galran emperor._

Lance steeled himself, and then turned to Coran with a smile.

“Dibs on going last!” He called, and the room filled with everyone’s groans.

“Lance, you can’t keep slacking like this.” Pidge snickered, and to Lance’s dismay, Hunk laughed along. Face falling slightly, Lance turned to Shiro for backup, but was met with a stony glare.

_Alone. Again._

“I’m not slacking! I’m just…tired.” He replied, blue eyes narrowed in indignance. Pidge merely rolled her eyes, and Lance had to look away.

The team had been treating him differently, lately. His ideas were shot down. His quips to lighten the mood were met with hostility. Any and all help he offered was waved off. Worst of all, their teasing had gone from lighthearted to malicious. At least, to Lance it had.

It stung when Shiro and Allura said something mean. It was a tad worse when Pidge would joke at his expense. But the one that hurt the most was Hunk’s comments. Lance and Hunk had been best friends for years. Lance and Hunk were inseparable and knew each other like the back of their hands. Lance and Hunk made a promise to stick together, no matter what.

Hunk felt like a stranger now.

Lance was so fucking lonely. He wanted his family. He had thought that this could be his second family, this patchwork of vagabonds and paladins, but they weren’t. Family didn’t poke your insecurities and make you cry. Families fought, but the always apologized. Family made you feel loved and welcome, and they accepted you for who you are.

This was not a family.

“Anyway,” Coran continued, and Lance jumped slightly, “Lance may go last. We’ll start with Number Two!”

Hunk looked around nervously, and Lance grabbed his hand and squeezed lightly, hoping to alleviate some of the stress. Hunk smiled at him, and Lance almost believed that Hunk hadn’t made fun of him for his crush on the princess less than twelve hours ago.

Nodding to himself, Hunk stepped forward. Lance’s heart ached for him, because he was fairly certain what this memory would be. And he was right.

* * *

"Alea? Alea! Please, no, Alea, don’t—”

Lance’s eyes closed as he heard Hunk’s sobs. Lance remembered Alea Garrett. She was smart and kind and fierce, always looking out for her little brother. They were both adopted, both from different parents and raised by their two mothers, but they were family. They loved each other, and they were always there for each other.

Alea was sixteen when she killed herself.

On Hunk’s seventeenth birthday, Lance had let Hunk hold him tightly as he cried.

_“I’m older than her now. I’m older than she’ll ever be, Lance.”_

“Hunk! Hunk, focus. It’s okay, just breathe for me, buddy. Think of something happy. You can do this!” Lance called, and Hunk’s sobs stuttered.

Lance could practically hear the gears turning in Hunk’s head, and he watched as the scene of Alea Garrett’s hanging body turned into a beach. He could hear laughter, and Lance watched as a toddler Hunk stumbled across the sand.

“C’mon Hawea, you can do it! Keep on walking!” A younger Alea exclaimed, smiling widely as her brother made it to her arms.

“Good job.” She whispered, her brown eyes bright with happiness. Hunk giggled and grabbed at Alea’s hair, causing them both to laugh.

The scene ended. Hunk stepped back, his body wracked with shivers. Lance walked towards him immediately, spinning Hunk around and enveloping him in a hug.

“You did great, buddy.” Lance whispered as Hunk curled into the embrace.

The paladins looked at the scene with pained sympathy, and when Hunk calmed down, they continued.

* * *

Pidge was frozen as she watched the men from the Garrison explain to her and her mother that Matt and Sam weren’t coming home. Her lip was wobbling as a anguished sob tumbled out from Colleen Holt’s lips, and Lance had to restrain himself from grabbing her and pulling the damn mind meld device from her head.

Then, Pidge seemed to relax. The scene shifted to a rooftop, where Matt and Pidge were stargazing. Pidge’s eyes held a light that was reserved for only her brother, and Lance felt a sigh of relief escape him. She was going to be okay.

* * *

Shiro’s was, of course, the arena.

His expression was one of extreme pain, and Lance bit his lip as he watched their leader try to keep it together. On the screen, Lance saw him facing off against what looked like a child. Shiro didn’t want to fight them. That much was obvious. He pleaded with the guards, claiming that it must of been a mistake, but then the child looked at him with pained eyes.

“It’s okay. Just…make it quick.” They said with a watery smile, and Lance’s heart broke.

Shiro hugged the child tightly, stuttering apologies from his lips. The child nodded in understanding.

Shiro made it quick.

The scene shifted, and Lance was staring at a younger Shiro, one with pitch black hair and an unmarred face, chasing a kid around. With a start, he realized it was Keith.

Keith’s face was carefree, jumping around furniture and avoiding Shiro’s muscular arms. Eventually however, he was caught, and Lance felt a smile on his face as he watched the brothers interact.

“Shiro, stop! Okay! I give! St—stop!”

The laughter tapered off into silence, and Lance gave Shiro a small smile. Shiro nodded, his face unreadable.

* * *

Allura was a statue as she watched Altea go up in flames.

The only clue that she saw anything happening around her was the way her eyes darted around, and the teartracks that stained her face.

“Father, we must assemble the lions!”

Lance watched as Alfor sent his only child into a deep slumber, and willed the tears in his eyes to go away. He had no right to cry. Not when Allura was holding herself together. Barely, but she still was.

The flames engulfing the planet swirled, and then revealed a field full of flowers. A woman bearing a striking resemblance to Allura watched as Alfor balanced a tiny Allura on his shoulders and ran around wildly. Allura’s giggles sounded like music, and the happiness in her expression was unmistakable.

Allura took the device off of her head gently, and immediately went to Lotor’s arms. Of course. Of course she did.

Lance felt bitterness replace terror as he realized it was his turn.

* * *

Alex. It was Alex. Alex, the boy he dated for a year when he was fourteen. Alex, the boy who still terrified him to this day. Alex, who had held him down and told him to shut up and had—

* * *

“Lana?” A voice called harshly, and Lance winced.

“Alex, I told you, I’m going by Lance now—”

“And I told _you_ that I’m not dating a freak.” Alex snarled, and Lance whimpered.

“Sorry, hon.”

* * *

“Alex, please, we can talk about this—” Lance tried to reason, but was met by the sound of glass smashing next to his head, causing him to let out a muted shriek.

“SHUT UP!”

Tears slid down Lance’s face as he nodded quickly, squeezing his eyes shut as Alex stalked towards him. The vase Alex had thrown littered the ground, shattered. Where were Alex’s parents? Why weren’t they home?

Why did they leave Lance alone with him at all?

* * *

“You know I love you, right?” Alex whispered, holding Lance tightly. Too tightly.

“Yes.” Lance replied, and Alex’s grip tightened.

“You’re mine. Do you understand me? No one else will love you like me.”

Lance nodded, accepting his fate.

* * *

It was small things. It was grabbing Lance’s hand too tightly when Lance spoke out of turn. It was going through Lance’s texts and internet search history. It was refusing to even call Lance by his new name and pronouns. It was barring Lance from his other friends.

Then it wasn’t small things anymore.

* * *

“Alex, Alex please, I can’t, I don’t want to—”

Alex held him down tighter, effectively choking Lance.

“Yes you do. _You’re_ the one who kissed me first, _you_ started this. Of course you want it. Now shut up and take it.”

Lance kept his mouth shut as blinding pain erupted from between his legs. He bled when it was over.

He always bled when it was over.

* * *

Lance wanted to leave. He did. He wanted to leave so badly. But he couldn’t.

_“If you leave, I’ll kill myself.”_

_“If you leave, you’ll die alone.”_

_“If you leave, I’ll kill you and everyone you love.”_

* * *

It ended with a text from Alex. That’s the part that killed Lance the most. He wasn’t the one who ended it. It was _Alex._ Alex got bored, and he sent Lance packing.

_We’re done_

Lance cried for days. He cried because he was going to die alone. He cried because Alex was all he knew.

Part of Lance cried because he was finally free.

* * *

The mind meld device was ripped off of Lance’s head, and he vaguely registered the sound of someone sobbing. With a jolt, he realized it was him. He looked around at the faces of his fellow paladins, who all wore looks of surprise.

Lance ran.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. and if any of this shit happens to you, you're not alone. you're strong. if you ever need someone to talk to, my tumblr is down below.
> 
> tumblr: trans-boy-hansen


End file.
